Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I found out that life has just begun to suck. Yesterday at about 8:00 PM, a tow truck showed up to repossess the Blazer. No warning (at least not that I was aware of), no chance to pull out all the stops and save things at the last minute like I always do, no fucking nothing. I asked the guy if he would drive it rather than towing it so it wouldn't fuck up the 4 wheel drive or the transmission, and he said he would. As soon as I came back in the house, he hooked on and towed the son of a bitch anyway.

Once the initial shock subsided and I realized what the fuck had just happened, I started yelling at Crystal. Anger took over completely - the way it used to when I was married to Voncile. I fucking hate that feeling! For someone like me who has worked so hard and suffered so much in order to take control over the rage inside, this was like an alcoholic going on a bender after 5 years of sobriety. You feel like you're fucking up so bad, but you just can't stop. I told Crystal everything I have ever thought about her. The irresponsibility, the disrespect, the total lack of intelligence that keeps her from getting a better job, everything. I hate myself for talking to her that way but I honestly think she needed the eye-opener. Few things in the world are as painful as cursing and degrading the only human being on earth that you truly love.

When bad things happen in my life, it's a lot like getting hurt physically. The initial blow takes a second to set in, then the excruciating pain takes over, and just when I feel like I can't take another second of it, it starts to subside, then gradually fades. This time was different. The DWI was the first blow, and I'm still in the "starting to subside" phase. Now thanks to Crystal's total lack of maturity and responsibility, the second blow has blindsided me, and is more painful than the first. It's kind of like getting attacked by a wild animal, really. It grabs you and takes you to the ground, blinded by shock and terror, and all you can do is scream and cry and hope like hell that the thing stops attacking before it kills you.

So here I am, broken and bleeding, wondering what the fuck has happened to the life I have worked so goddamn hard to build. More than anything, I'm scared to death of what will happen next. Things have never gotten this bad before, so this is uncharted territory for me. I guess the next entry in this diary will tell the tale. Until then...

Feeling like an idiot

I have always used this blog to vent, rant, and generally whine about everything I see wrong with everyone around me. Today, the target of my frustration is the biggest idiot I know - myself. Last night I went out with some people from work and had a few drinks. Everyone had a good time, and then it was time to go home. I didn't feel comfortable driving right away, so I sat in my truck at the restaurant for a while to let the buzz subside. Once I felt like I was OK to drive, I left and headed home.I started feeling pretty tired when I got within a couple miles of the house, and started nodding off a little. I felt like I was close enough to home that I could make it without falling asleep and having a wreck, so I kept going. That's just about the time the red and blues started flashing behind me. I paniced of course, but pulled over without looking like an idiot nonetheless. The officer told me I was swerving and then asked me how much I had had to drink. I told him that I had 3 or 4 drinks and that I had just left the Roadhouse in Killeen. He told me to get out of the vehicle and take a field sobriety test, which I did. I did OK with the exception of stumbling a little when he told me to stand on one foot for 30 seconds. He asked me to take a breathalyzer, which I did, but I didn't see the results because it was dark and he was facing away from me when the results showed on the device. I must have been over the limit because he arrested me and asked me if I could call someone to pick up my truck. I called Crystal and told her what had happened and of course she was very disappointed by the fact that I had gotten myself into this situation. So Crystal came and picked up my truck and I went to jail, where I took another breathalyzer which showed a .14 BAC. Not too bad, but enough for a DWI nonetheless. I spent the night in jail and saw the judge this morning to find out what my bail would be. The bail was $1,000.00, which according to the "regulars" in my cell, was pretty low for a DWI. I called a bail bond service and got set up to be released. Crystal came to the rescue again and picked me up at the bail service. So here I am, looking back on everything that just happened and wondering how I managed to screw my life up so bad in such a short period of time. The worst thing about it all was the look on Crystal's face when she came to pick me up; I knew immediately that she had lost all respect for me and that broke my heart completely. I can live with getting arrested, getting my driver's license suspended for 3 months, paying fines, and whatever else I may have to do, but hurting the one person in the world who has always stood by my side through all the stupid shit I have done is just way more than I can handle. I don't know how I will ever make it up to Crystal, but I'll spend the rest of my life trying. I'm sorry baber for all I've put you through. I'm sorry for being such an idiot and for dissapointing you. I hope you can forgive me someday. I love you.

Tired of it all (again!)

Once again, I find myself using this blog as a place to vent my frustrations with the world. It just seems that everything and everyone around me is turning to shit at an alarming rate. Everywhere I turn, someone is ready and willing to stomp all over the next guy in order to get what they want, no matter whether what they want is right or wrong, or how innocent and true the stompee might be. What ever happened to working for what you want? Why does no one ever stop to consider whether they actually deserve something before they charge in, destroying everything in their path, to get it? Is it so completely unreasonable to give a shit about what's right or wrong?

07-18-2005

A new workweek is born with a weary disgust for all mankind. I think it just bugs me that it seems like I was born in a real low point for humanity. 500 years ago, people actually gave a shit about things. Many people spent their entire lives trying to discover the true meaning of life or trying to make the world a better place for the next guy. Now all we can do is find ways to nat have to work or to live off of someone else or "fuck the man" or whatever while we sit on the couch eating whatever our foodstamp card would buy us and watching the world pass us by. What a shame it is that there is no integrity, no dignity left for mankind! I should just be quiet and realize that this is the world I live in and there's no changing it, but it pisses me off to no end because there is so much more for us than what we have become. OK, that's my rant for today. More tomorrow.

07/14/2005

Another beautiful day in the motherfucking neighborhood. I sent a letter to the Union yesterday telling them that if they don't send a qualified HVAC tech here within 48 hours, I'm going to hire my own and they can kiss my ass. I stated these things in the most civil and professional way my limited bullshit tolerance will let me, but I know the entire workforce wants me to die a thousand terrible deaths. I expect UA suicide bombers to arrive in my office at any moment. Anyway, I need to fire Jeff but I can't do it until I find a replacement for him. He is in so much financial trouble that he is afraid to walk out his front door every day and to cure this, he is selling pirated DVD's in my fucking building! I also found out that he did several years of hard time in Illinois for theft, theft by check, etc... Thanks to PublicData.com for that spicy little tidbit. The guy has 2 social security numbers so that when he shits his nest with an employer or the law or the IRS, he just moves to another town and starts over as the other guy. So how is your day, guys? Post a comment and let me know. Bitch, moan, cry or whatever the fuck you feel like. I want to know if I am alone in thinking that the world is a shitty place and getting shittier by the day.

07/11/2005

Another fine Monday in Shitworld. Jeff is pissed off because I stopped covering his time off, even though he has been paid for probably $1,000.00 worth of time that he didn't work for. What the fuck makes these people think I owe them all this shit? I have to work my ass off for everything I get, and most of the time I don't even get credit for it. Dad is pissed because we didn't go out to their house over the weekend when we were helping Rusty remodel his house. He thinks that visiting their uber-boring ass is far more important than helping a friend in need. I'm glad I never take after the example set by my parents. What a bunch of dicks I am surrounded by in this world! Why can't everybody just realize the way things are, accept their place in the world, and just fucking deal with it? What is so wrong with simply dealing with the life you have and not causing everyone around you a pain in the ass??? Hell, maybe I'm a pain in the ass to some people, but if I am it certainly isn't due to not giving a shit! I try so hard to be a decent person and not be a pain in anyone's ass, and what do I get? Shit on, that's right, shit on! Maybe I just expect too much from people, but it seems to me that everyone else should put as much effort into their life as I do. So many people just take it all for granted and keep expecting things they haven't earned. It is depressing to see that the world has gone to shit this way.

05/10/2005

Today, as so many other days, I am fucking pissed off at the never ending stream of fucking morons I have to deal with. What the fuck makes that stupid cunt Betty think anyone wants to hear her fucking opinion? Anyone can take a quick glance at any aspect of her life and see that she is not one to be taking advice from. The bitch is a fucking idiot in every sense of the word! She fucking works for me, but then she thinks that it's her goddamn duty to tell me how to do my fucking job! What, does she think that just because she's like fuckin' 200 years older than me that she's somehow smarter? The bitch is like 50 and acts like every day is her first day on Earth. She doesn't know about anything. And what the fuck is John's problem? That worthless heap of dogshit doesn't know shit from wild honey but somehow he thinks he has the right to tell me how to run this fucking business? He has been fired from every job he has ever had in his entire life! Why the fuck won't they let me run his worthless ass off? He doesn't do a goddamn thing but nose around in everything that's none of his fucking business and what does he get for it? Job security and far more priveleges than I have ever been granted. I really need to take that other job and just get the fuck away from this whole fucking pile of shit before I just lose it one day and start bodyslamming people right here in the office... More on that later...

07/05/2005

At work again this morning like always. I guess there's not much to write about, but for some reason I feel like I should write anyway. It just seems like lately something big is looming over me like a big black stormcloud about to rain on my ass, but I can't figure out what the fuck it is. Are there big changes ahead of me? Maybe it's time for my life to turn itself wrong-side-out and upside-down again like it does about every three years or so... Remember 3 years ago was when I split up with Vonicle and met Lisa and started the new job? Yeah and 3 years before that was when I married Voncile and started the job @ Texas Mechanical. I guess if things change again maybe it will be a better job or something. I don't wanna change spouses again, I'm getting sick of that shit. So I guess there was something to write about after all, huh?

06/27/2005

I'm sitting here at work this morning thinking about Saturday night. We went to Friendship Days like always, but somehow this time was different. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in years, and I guess it just made me feel really old. I don't know why, but I just feel like I have missed so much, or like I have abandoned everything I used to live for. Is this what growing up is supposed to feel like or am I sensing a problem that I should correct? I hate the feeling I get during these times because I don't have anything to use as a reference point to gauge my judgement. Having never had any friends growing up, I really don't know how any of this should feel. I just hope I don't end up feeling this way for the rest of my life.

05/09/2005

Let me start this off by reminding you that this is just my opinion. It doesn't have to match your views. It may piss you off because you, like so many others in our country today, are currently leeching my tax dollars because you are too lazy to work or because you are one of thos insane radical leftists who feel like the world owes you everything you ever dreamed of because you want it and aren't willing to work your ass off for it like myself and so many other hard-working Americans do every day. That being said, I would also like to remind you that if you don't like my opinion about anything you are free to read elsewhere or just flat kiss my ass. Ok, legal disclaimer - DONE. On to the good stuff...