Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I found out that life has just begun to suck. Yesterday at about 8:00 PM, a tow truck showed up to repossess the Blazer. No warning (at least not that I was aware of), no chance to pull out all the stops and save things at the last minute like I always do, no fucking nothing. I asked the guy if he would drive it rather than towing it so it wouldn't fuck up the 4 wheel drive or the transmission, and he said he would. As soon as I came back in the house, he hooked on and towed the son of a bitch anyway.
Once the initial shock subsided and I realized what the fuck had just happened, I started yelling at Crystal. Anger took over completely - the way it used to when I was married to Voncile. I fucking hate that feeling! For someone like me who has worked so hard and suffered so much in order to take control over the rage inside, this was like an alcoholic going on a bender after 5 years of sobriety. You feel like you're fucking up so bad, but you just can't stop. I told Crystal everything I have ever thought about her. The irresponsibility, the disrespect, the total lack of intelligence that keeps her from getting a better job, everything. I hate myself for talking to her that way but I honestly think she needed the eye-opener. Few things in the world are as painful as cursing and degrading the only human being on earth that you truly love.
When bad things happen in my life, it's a lot like getting hurt physically. The initial blow takes a second to set in, then the excruciating pain takes over, and just when I feel like I can't take another second of it, it starts to subside, then gradually fades. This time was different. The DWI was the first blow, and I'm still in the "starting to subside" phase. Now thanks to Crystal's total lack of maturity and responsibility, the second blow has blindsided me, and is more painful than the first. It's kind of like getting attacked by a wild animal, really. It grabs you and takes you to the ground, blinded by shock and terror, and all you can do is scream and cry and hope like hell that the thing stops attacking before it kills you.
So here I am, broken and bleeding, wondering what the fuck has happened to the life I have worked so goddamn hard to build. More than anything, I'm scared to death of what will happen next. Things have never gotten this bad before, so this is uncharted territory for me. I guess the next entry in this diary will tell the tale. Until then...
Once the initial shock subsided and I realized what the fuck had just happened, I started yelling at Crystal. Anger took over completely - the way it used to when I was married to Voncile. I fucking hate that feeling! For someone like me who has worked so hard and suffered so much in order to take control over the rage inside, this was like an alcoholic going on a bender after 5 years of sobriety. You feel like you're fucking up so bad, but you just can't stop. I told Crystal everything I have ever thought about her. The irresponsibility, the disrespect, the total lack of intelligence that keeps her from getting a better job, everything. I hate myself for talking to her that way but I honestly think she needed the eye-opener. Few things in the world are as painful as cursing and degrading the only human being on earth that you truly love.
When bad things happen in my life, it's a lot like getting hurt physically. The initial blow takes a second to set in, then the excruciating pain takes over, and just when I feel like I can't take another second of it, it starts to subside, then gradually fades. This time was different. The DWI was the first blow, and I'm still in the "starting to subside" phase. Now thanks to Crystal's total lack of maturity and responsibility, the second blow has blindsided me, and is more painful than the first. It's kind of like getting attacked by a wild animal, really. It grabs you and takes you to the ground, blinded by shock and terror, and all you can do is scream and cry and hope like hell that the thing stops attacking before it kills you.
So here I am, broken and bleeding, wondering what the fuck has happened to the life I have worked so goddamn hard to build. More than anything, I'm scared to death of what will happen next. Things have never gotten this bad before, so this is uncharted territory for me. I guess the next entry in this diary will tell the tale. Until then...
Labels: blazer, depression, repo, repossessed
posted by Steve at 12:09 PM
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